(In ancient Greece, there was no eros more “noble” than love between men.) I’m not saying it’s always a “choice,” but for some of us it is some folks are clearly attracted to a particular gender, while 3%-5% of us are more in the middle of the spectrum and attracted to both. It’s normal to have fantasies of what sex with the same gender is like, at least occasionally, and some have them more consciously than others-and the very idea is more accepted in some cultures than others. The fact is, our sexuality falls on a spectrum and some of us develop attractions for people of both genders. (Of course, if you’ve seen the latest Bond, you know even he has some interesting inclinations!)
Any whiff of “sensitivity” can bring out the gay jokes, as if anything other than James Bond were unacceptable. How do you feel about this attraction? You say, “I don’t want to feel like I can’t be myself when I am with her.” What about yourself, aside from the literal idea of sex with a man, feels “not OK” when you’re with her? Is there some ideal sense of manhood you’re trying to fulfill? Does this attraction for men symbolize something that is unsafe in the marriage or your social/cultural circle? Of course as a society in general, we are given horrifically limited identity choices for manhood. In fact, I almost wonder what might happen to your curiosity about men if your spouse heard and accepted this about yourself-or if somehow these feelings became less dangerous and more human. Holding a secret you feel you can’t share with your spouse is often a tough place to be. It sounds like there are a tangle of conflicts here and I empathize with what I think I hear in your question, which is that you are having feelings which are somehow “wrong” to have, which I imagine is very uncomfortable, even painful. There are also family ramifications here, as I would lose a lot of close relationships if word got out that I may be anything other than a straight-laced family man. I don't want to cheat on her, but I don't want to forever wonder what it's like to be with a man, either. If these feelings don't subside, is it reason enough for me to consider leaving my wife? I love her, and I'd want to stay if she could accept this about me, but I don't want to feel like I can't be myself when I am with her. My wife is a strong conservative southern woman and would not accept this about me, so I have tucked this part of me away somewhere deep inside. I am still attracted to women, including my wife, but I am drawn to men in a way that makes me question whether I am at the very least bisexual. I don't really understand where these feelings are coming from or why they came on well after I thought my sexuality was established. Not entirely happily, though-for the past five years or so, I have developed an attraction for other men. I am a successful, 33-year-old man, and I have been married for about 12 years.
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